


Muddle Through Somehow

by changeapproved



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changeapproved/pseuds/changeapproved
Summary: There's something important River needs to do and she doesn't want to do it alone. It's coming up to Christmas so she's probably due a visit to the TARDIS anyway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While this is technically a continuation of my previous story 'With a Name Like Mine', it isn't a reading requirement. Thank you to Terapsina for giving me the idea for this fic!

She’d kind of thought that would be it after the first time. Bump into River the once, say goodbye ( _again_ ) and then quietly grieve for her wife ( _again_ ). She’d distracted herself from the pain as she always did, with new friends and a never ending stream of crises. It didn’t fill the gaping hole left by that loss of love, but it was something. Or at least that's what the Doctor told herself on the rare occasion she was feeling kindly towards herself.

 

The last thing she expected was for River to wander into the TARDIS again as though she hadn’t a care in the world. How she'd even known where they were was a mystery and the Doctor wouldn't dare give River the satisfaction of asking - she'd never hear the end of it.

 

“Hello, Professor Song,” said Yaz, the first person to greet her. Good old Yaz; not even surprised to see River waltz into the TARDIS like she owned the place.

 

“Yaz, I told you last time. Just River is fine."  

 

She dropped a plastic Tesco bag on the floor and the Doctor eyed it curiously. River usually didn't carry a bag. ( _"I prefer to keep my essentials in the pocket closest to my heart," River had once said to bowtie wearing him while gesturing towards her cleavage with a wicked glint in her eye_.).  

 

“Hello, sweetie,” she then said. She crossed the floor, long black coat swishing behind her, and pulled the Doctor in for a quick kiss.

 

“Hello, River,” said the Doctor. She could feel her cheeks turning pink (an unfortunate side-effect of regenerating into someone so pale) and River smirked at her. “What trouble are you in this time? I have to take Team TARDIS home first. They have...Christmassy things to do. Well, Ryan and Graham do. Yaz just misses her mum. Not her sister though.”

 

“No trouble,” said River, in a way that was entirely unbelievable. “It’s date night.”

 

“We don’t have date night,” said the Doctor. She frowned. “Do we?” She looked at Graham, who was thoroughly distracted wrapping a long blue scarf around his neck. “Do I have date nights?”

 

“Not that you’ve ever mentioned to me, Doc,” he said with a shrug.

 

“I dunno like,” said Ryan. “There was the Prince from that ice planet that had all the blackouts you had dinner with last month.”

 

“Veold...And that wasn’t a date,” said the Doctor. Was it? No. She'd definitely have noticed.

 

“He was well into you, mate,” said Ryan. He pulled a dark blue woollen hat over his head. Did he know it matched Graham's scarf?

 

“He was,” Yaz confirmed.

 

“We talked about batteries! And... _science_ ,” said the Doctor. That candle in the middle of the table was for...heat reasons. “It wasn’t a date.”

 

“Well none of the rest of us were invited to your not-a-date,” said Graham. "You were probably too busy dashing around like a lunatic to notice."

 

"I was not!" the Doctor protested. She tried very hard to ignore the growing look of amusement on River's face. "I notice everything, me. If I'd been on a date with someone I'd have noticed. Extra noticed it, even."

 

There was a pause. Then Ryan shook his head. "He proper fancied you."

 

The Doctor folded her arms and narrowed her eyes at her companions. Were they messing with her? Sometimes she couldn't really tell. It didn't seem like they were messing with her, but -

 

"Oh for goodness sake, sweetie," said River, totally interrupting her train of thought. "Stop scowling and let's get these poor people back to Sheffield or we'll be late."

 

Before the Doctor could even ask what they could possibly be late for in a time machine, River was already flitting around the TARDIS console pushing buttons and pulling leavers. She sighed, knowing any assertions that she could fly the TARDIS herself would fall on deaf ears.

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

It was a terrible idea, really. For many, _many_ reasons (the least of which being the threat of blowing a hole in the space-time continuum, but honestly when did a day pass that she wasn't already toeing that line?). The Doctor certainly wouldn't approve, which was why River had made an executive decision not to tell her wife of their plans for the evening. She'd only say no, even thought she wouldn't want to, and then she'd spend the rest of the night brooding. No. Better to keep her in the dark until they'd passed the point of no return.

 

Still, she couldn't help but register that small niggling of unease in back of her head. She swallowed it down and plastered on a smile - the Doctor had already returned from her goodbyes outside the TARDIS and was hovering around the controls, no doubt waiting for a destination.

 

River picked up the Tesco bag she’d brought. “Put these on, sweetie,” she said. She tossed the bag and the Doctor caught it with a frown.

 

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” she asked, casting a glance down at herself.

 

River smirked. “We don’t have the kind of time we’d need to get into that, Doctor. Late, remember?”

 

The Doctor pulled a face and then began to root through the bag. Her frown very quickly became a bright smile, as River knew it would. She pulled out a headband with reindeer antlers and jammed it on her head. The antlers jingled.

 

“It has bells! Do you think I should add bells to my sonic screwdriver?” _Sonic vibrator_ , River mentally corrected. Honestly, what had the Doctor been thinking with that thing.

 

“Might make all the sneaking around you do difficult,” said River. “Better just to leave it as it is I expect.”

 

The Doctor’s shoulders slumped, but she nodded and began to pull the actual clothes from the bag.

 

“You’re going undercover,” said River. _In a manner of speaking_. “So make sure you put on all of it.”

 

“They seem a bit tight,” said the Doctor, now holding out a pair of jeans with a dubious expression.

 

“Do they?” asked River, with all the innocence she could muster. “Might as well try them on anyway.”

 

The Doctor narrowed her eyes, but did as she was told and began to change her clothes. River watched her for a moment. She’d only seen the face of this body and she was very much looking forward to exploring more of it later. As far as she could tell the Doctor hadn’t done much _exploring_ of this body herself, and River was more than happy to help her along the way. For science, of course. How many people could say they’ve experienced sex as both a man and a woman? She was sure the Doctor would see the value of such research once it was explained to her.

 

While the Doctor awkwardly re-dressed (almost toppling over attempting to pull the jeans up her thighs), River began to move around the TARDIS console, altering co-ordinates and dials as she went. The time period they were aiming for might be a little tricky if the TARDIS was feeling ornery today. She’d be able to make it just fine with her vortex manipulator...she just didn’t want to. Not this time. Having the TARDIS nearby comforted her somehow, though it was doing little now to ease the undercurrent of anxiety she was trying very hard to ignore.  

 

She pulled a lever and the engines began to whir. It was a true testament to their relationship, River felt, that the Doctor didn’t even try to stop her from flying her pride and joy anymore. Or she’d just grown tired of arguing. Either way, River was content, and the TARDIS certainly didn’t seem to mind being flown by someone who had actually read the instruction manual. Well...bits of the instruction manual. The Doctor had torn most of the pages out, in a fit of pique most likely. Or to use as kindling.

 

The vibrations of the ground beneath her began to slow - they had landed.

 

“All right,” said the Doctor. “What do you think?” She held out her arms and spun around, showing River her new jeans and goofy green Christmas jumper adorned with white reindeer silhouettes and snowflakes.

 

She couldn’t help herself; River laughed. “Sweetie, you look absolutely perfect.” The Doctor beamed at her and River felt a thrum of affection. She didn’t think she’d ever seen her husband...wife...spouse look quite so _cute_ before. That was not a thought she would be expressing aloud until later of course. One constant she had found through the Doctor’s many regenerations was their ability to sulk with a dogmatic persistence that bordered on unseemly. She had enough on her mind tonight without having to deal with that additional situation because the Doctor was offended by her choice of word.

 

“I think these pockets have developed a fault though,” said the Doctor unhappily. She patted the outside of her thighs. “I can’t put the sonic in my back pocket...I’ll sit on it.” She turned around and craned her neck to look at the offending back pockets and River let her eyes linger in the same place...for different reasons.

 

“This is a challenge you’ll face often as a woman I’m afraid.”

 

“What?”

 

“A lot of women’s clothes don’t have pockets,” River explained. The look of absolute outrage on the Doctor’s face was comical.

 

"Why though?" She scrunched up her face. "Pockets are important. Where do you keep all your essential objects? I need pockets! For things...and stuff!"

 

"It's one of life's great mysteries," said River sagely. The Doctor huffed and folded her arms. "I expect that's why many women carry a handbag." The Doctor opened her mouth but River forestalled her. "And no I do not think you should get a handbag. You'd only lose it."

 

"Rude," the Doctor muttered.

 

"You can leave the sonic here," said River, ignoring her wife completely. "You won't need it. Where we're going isn't dangerous." At least not in the usual way.

 

There was a pause. Then the Doctor's attention shifted from examining her new clothes to River. She had that look in her eye that made River feel like she was reading her mind. It was a little more...bright-eyed and bushy-tailed looking in this body, but River still knew that stare. Could see the cogs turning in that infinite brain. River knew that the Doctor would never invade the privacy of her mind, but the glance still unsettled her. In response, she tilted her chin a little higher.

 

"Where are we going, River?"

 

"For Christmas dinner."

 

" _Where_?"

 

"It's a surprise." 'Surprise' was always a good word to keep as a plan b. The Doctor loved surprises, even when she pretended otherwise. "You'll like it." _Eventually_.

 

The Doctor made a dubious humming sound before letting out a deep sigh. Then she placed her sonic vibrator (River absolutely refused to call it anything else) gently down on the console. Like the regenerations before her, this Doctor clearly had difficulty saying no to her wife. River smiled at the thought.

 

"Right then," she said. "That's that sorted." She offered out an arm for the Doctor to take - a strange role reversal based on their previous outings, but the Doctor offered no complaint beyond a brief look of confusion and wrapped a hand around River's bicep. She glanced around the TARDIS and said, "Don't wait up for us, love!"

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

It was snowing when they exited the TARDIS. The Doctor looked around in wonder as though she'd never seen the stuff before and stuck out her tongue to catch the flakes.

 

"Tastes mostly like pollution," she said. "London pollution."

 

"Yes, sweetie, well done. You're very smart," said River. "We're in London. As you may have also noticed from that sign over there that says 'Croydon'." It wasn't easy to see through the darkness and blustery snow, but it was definitely visible. The Doctor, of course, ignored it.

 

"Sarah Jane used to live around here," said the Doctor. "Are we going to see her? Oooh Luke must be at uni by now. Genius, that kid. Give him a couple hundred years and he'll be as smart as me. Well...no he won't. As smart as you maybe."

 

"We can visit her later if you want," said River, studiously ignoring that remark about her intelligence.

 

"She has a really cool computer. Xylok, you know."

 

"Yes, dear, I've met him. Very strange sense of humour."

 

"I thought he was funny."

 

"I'm sure you did."

 

The Doctor smiled at her, eyes sparkling under the streetlamp they were passing under. If River had been feeling inclined to whimsy, she'd have noted the almost fairytale-like setting - walking arm and arm with her wife through the snow on a crisp Christmas night. It was the kind of thing she'd dreamed about when she was young and still chasing down her Doctor by trawling through random libraries in hopes of finding herself an adventure. Now, it felt somewhat dulled by the weight pressing against the base of her skull.

 

They walked through the streets of London for another twenty minutes in a contemplative silence - or rather River contemplated and the Doctor watched the snow with glee as her nose turned redder and redder from the cold. River had decided it best to park the TARDIS far enough from their destination that the Doctor wouldn’t immediately realise where they were going. It had worked so far.

 

Until the Doctor came to an abrupt stop.

 

“River,” she said, her voice becoming suddenly sharp and unamused. “Where are we going?”

 

“Can we walk and talk, sweetie? It’s rather chilly out here,” said River. Her stomach twisted.

 

The Doctor released her grip on River’s arm and turned to face her. Her expression was...not a happy one. Despite that, she took River’s freezing hands between her own and rubbed her thumbs up and down them. It might have had more effect if the Doctor’s body temperature wasn’t already naturally lower than River’s, though it still managed to make her feel warmer.

 

“Tell me where we’re going right now.”

 

River sighed. “You know where we’re going, clearly.”

 

“River Song I can’t cross _my own timeline_ ,” said the Doctor. The warmth in her expression from earlier had vanished, leaving a very irate Time Lord in it's wake. “You _know_ that. Why would you bring me here! It’s...it’s not cool!” Vernacular River was sure she’d picked up from one of her young companions. Ryan, she imagined. “They can’t-”

 

“-I know they can’t know it’s you,” River interrupted. As though she hadn’t already thought this through and didn't know the risks herself. “I did say you were going _undercover_.”

 

The Doctor looked down at her outfit again and shook her head. River could hear the growing panic in her voice. “This isn’t enough. They’ll-”

 

“No they won’t. Not if you play your part right. They won’t suspect a thing.” _They might_ , River mentally conceded. They could be careful though. Or at least try to be careful.

 

“You don’t know that!” River could feel the Doctor’s hands around her own shaking, and she very much doubted it was from the cold. Perhaps blindsiding her hadn’t been the best idea, but it had been the only way.

 

“No,” River admitted. There was a pause and through the bitter wind whistled past her ears she could hear the faint rumble of traffic in the distance.

 

“That’s why you wouldn’t tell me where we were going. You knew I’d say no.” The Doctor’s shoulders slumped. “Why would you do this to me, River? I can’t…I can’t say goodbye to the Ponds again.”

 

River felt a prickle of irritation and the Doctor immediately looked contrite. “Sorry. Sorry...I know they were your parents. _Are_ your parents. I…”

 

“Stop talking,” said River. The Doctor closed her mouth, a mixture of irritation and guilt contorting her expression. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

 

“Lie.”

 

“You’re right,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders. “You would have said no and I need you here with me.”

 

The Doctor frowned and looked carefully at River through strands of wind tousled hair. Under the dim light of the streetlamp, her eyes glittered strangely.

 

“Why do you _need_ me here?” she asked. River cursed herself for her choice of words.

 

“I meant want.”

 

“Lie.”

 

River huffed. The Doctor could be so bloody infuriating sometimes.

 

“It’s 2020,” she said, hoping the Doctor would understand without her having to explain it.

 

It took a moment, but she recognised the look of dawning comprehension on her wife’s face. This too was different from her previous regenerations’ expressions, but River knew the Doctor better than to be fooled by the altered packaging.

 

“Oh.”

 

The sound weighed heavily with sadness and River had to blink rapidly against the tears that welled without her permission. At least she could blame her red face on the wind.

 

“The last Christmas before..." A beat. "You didn’t want to say goodbye alone.”

 

A tear slid from the corner of her eye and she looked away. Damn it. This was exactly why she hadn’t said it aloud.

 

Then a hand was on her face, thumb brushing away the wetness there. River leaned into the touch.

 

“Okay.” River forced herself to look up, eyes meeting the Doctor’s open expression. There, she could see her own heartbreak reflected back and the weight in her chest felt even heavier. A problem shared is a problem halved...not always the case. “We have to be careful though.”

 

She’d have been offended by that if she had to presence of mind to be.

 

“I’m always careful,” she said. The Doctor smiled back fondly and shook her head.

 

“Lie.”


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the walk sped by, because time had a nasty habit of doing that when you were trying to delay something. River had pulled her hood up so snow would stop melting into her hair and the Doctor had tucked herself as close to River’s side as she could possibly manage without tripping them both over. Whether it was for heat or comfort, River wasn’t sure. And if it was for comfort, for whose she wasn't sure of that either.

 

The door stood stark and blue against the backdrop of the snow-capped houses and River felt a chill down her spine. Beside her, the Doctor’s pace slowed. A look at her face told River nothing about what the other woman was thinking, but she could hazard a guess it wasn't anything pleasant.

 

Even slowed down as they were, they closed the distance in what felt like record time. River stopped, looking at the golden door knocker and TARDIS blue painted wood. She briefly wondered if the Doctor had painted it that colour himself or if he’d bought the whole house purely because of the door. If she thought on she’d ask her later.

 

River swallowed and knocked.

 

They didn’t have to wait long before the door swung open; Amy and Rory had been expecting her.

 

“River,” said Rory, with a small awkward smile. He wore a plaid shirt, like he often did, and the grip around the crook of her arm tightened. “And...friend.” He turned his head and yelled, “Amy! River’s here. And she brought a guest!”

 

“Dad,” said River, with a practiced smile. “This is my new wife.” When the Doctor didn’t say anything, she dug her elbow into her side.

 

“Oh. Right. Yes. Wife. Hello! I’m...Jo…Jane. Jane Smith,” said the Doctor. She smiled just a little too brightly and River had to hold back an eye roll. For such an accomplished liar the Doctor really was the limit sometimes.

 

Rory raised an eyebrow and glanced a River. "Right," he said slowly. "You best come in then."

 

They followed him into the warmth of the house, but not before River cast the Doctor an exasperated look. The look she got in return was mostly one of alarm. She wondered exactly how long it had been since the Doctor had been with the Ponds - two regenerations later meant it was probably a very long time. Unless her twelfth regeneration had been a remarkably short one.

 

They stopped once they reached the bottom of the stairs and River unlaced her arm from the Doctor's to remove her coat. She hung it over the end of the banister and breathed in, taking in the familiar scent of slightly sub-par cooking (none of the Ponds had been blessed with good culinary skills) and Amy's perfume that lingered on the coat River had draped her own over. The nostalgia hit her like a ton of bricks.

 

Then, a small, cool hand found her own and linked their fingers together. River forced her attention outwards, detaching her mind from the sudden barrage of memories. There would be time to grieve later.

 

"Come on, River," said the Doctor. Her face was unsmiling, but radiated understanding. "Let's make it a good night, eh?"

 

River nodded and steeled herself. She could do that. Having a good night was something she excelled at. She expected the Doctor to pull her towards the kitchen then, but instead she stood by her side. Waiting until River was ready? How novel.

 

“I’m good,” she said, and the Doctor nodded.

 

River led them through the hallway towards the dull banging of pots and pans. Before they even pushed through the door she could hear Rory scolding Amy for not opening a window to let the steam out.

 

“It’s bloody freezing out there! You want the window open then you can stand out here instead,” said Amy. River smirked at Amy’s back.

 

“Hello, mother,” she said.

 

Amy craned her head around, sweaty strands of ginger hair sticking to her face. “Merry Christmas,” she said, very much sounding as though her Christmas had been anything but merry so far. “Who’s your friend?”

 

“Hello,” said the Doctor, her voice bright and false. Her cheeks were already turning pink in the damp heat of the kitchen, but beneath that her skin was stark white. “I’m Jane.” Amy raised an eyebrow at River.

 

“Mother, this is my new wife,” said River. “Jane, this is my mother, Amy.”

 

“Really, River? Another one?”

 

The Doctor looked affronted. “Another one? How many have there been?”

 

“Don’t fuss, dear,” said River, with a roll of her eyes. The Doctor pulled a face in response.

 

“She’s never brought any of the others here,” said Rory, from where he leaned backwards against the granite kitchen unit with his arms folded. “She must like you more than the others at least?”

 

“Oh thanks. So glad I’ve made it over that super high bar,” said the Doctor with a frown. Rory grinned at her, and River could tell that her dad already liked the Doctor. Or rather, already liked _Jane_.

 

A pan started to boil over, lid rattling aggressively against the metal. Amy swore under her breath.

 

“Maybe you two should go and wait in the dining room? Dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes,” said Rory, rushing to help his wife.

 

“Thirty-five minutes,” Amy corrected. “He always underestimates.”

 

“Is there anything we can do to help?” asked the Doctor.

 

“No,” said River quickly. She looked at Amy. “Don’t let her touch anything. She’s a disaster in the kitchen.”

 

“I am not!” But River was already dragging her towards the door. She bent down and grabbed a bottle from the wine rack with her free hand. “We’ll see you in a minute!” she called behind her, but Amy and Rory were already bickering about something else and didn’t hear her.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

As it turned out, both Rory and Amy had underestimated how much longer it would take them to finish dinner and River and the Doctor had been sat alone with their now almost empty bottle of wine for three-quarters of an hour. River wasn’t complaining; she was still working on settling her rattled nerves (the wine was definitely helping with that one).

 

Eventually, the Ponds had bustled in with plates of already cooling food and all but threw them down in front of their guests. At some point Amy had changed into a black jumper bedecked in penguins not too dissimilar from the Doctor's.

 

“I hate making Christmas dinner,” Amy announced. Still, she grinned as she finally sat down in the only remaining chair around the sturdy pine table and picked up the gold Christmas cracker that lay next to her silver plastic placemat.

 

“I did most of it,” Rory muttered, earning himself a glare. He held up his hands in placating gesture.

 

“This looks wonderful,” River lied, looking down at the pale vegetables, dry turkey and watery gravy. At least they tried, which was more than could be said about the people who had raised her. Well, the people who officially raised her.

 

“Yeah,” the Doctor enthused. “It looks great! I haven’t had Christmas dinner in years. Can I pull a cracker? I want a hat. Love a good hat.”

 

“Sure,” said Amy. It was clear she didn’t know quite what to make of _Jane._ Admittedly, she wasn’t much like any of River’s usual romantic partners, who were generally chosen for their skills in the bedroom or because they had something River wanted. Her hearts of hearts belonged to the Doctor, and Amy knew that.

 

The Doctor picked up a gold cracker and held it out to River with a beaming smile on her face. In response, River felt some of the tension in her shoulders ease. She reached across the table and pulled the offending object - and won, because of course she did. River always won; usually because she rigged the game.

 

“Boooo,” said the Doctor (another thing River was sure she’d picked up from one of her new young companions). River smirked, but handed her the thin foil crown anyway. There was no way she was wearing it herself. The Doctor hooked it around her reindeer antlers. It looked ridiculous.

 

“So,” said Amy. “Just so you know, all the good bits of dinner I made. Rory did the rest.”

 

Rory opened his mouth to protest, but the Doctor was already nodding, fork in her hand. “Sounds about right, yeah.”

 

“Sorry, dad,” said River. “Afraid you’re a bit outnumbered today.”

 

“When am I not?” he replied. She chuckled. It was a fair point. Even when the Doctor had been male it was never in doubt who he was going to side with in any given situation.

 

They all began to eat, and River made an effort not to grimace at the over-boiled Brussels sprouts. Thankfully, the Doctor seemed happy with what had been given to her and ate the entire thing with relish. River supposed she shouldn’t be surprised - the woman seemed to live on a diet of custard creams so real food must be a novelty. For a while, only the scraping of metal against crockery could be heard.

 

“So,” said Amy through a mouthful of mashed potatoes, “how did you two meet?” Her suspicion was obvious. Whether she suspected Jane was the Doctor or whether she just suspected that River had some kind of ulterior motive for marrying her and bringing her here, she wasn’t sure.

 

“Jane works at the university,” said River quickly, before the Doctor could concoct her own bizarre tale that would give them away in seconds.

 

“Yep,” said the Doctor. She swallowed a large mouthful of...something. “Professor of engineering. I’m good at building stuff.”

 

“Hmmm,” said Amy, not at all convinced.

 

“Professor Smith, I am,” said the Doctor. Then she looked at River. “Or can it be Professor Song now? Seem as how we’re married. That would be cool.”

 

River smiled. The idea that the Doctor might want to take her name in any form gave her a warm feeling in her chest. “That would be rather confusing now, don’t you think? We can’t both of us be Professor Song.”

 

“You could be Professor Pond,” said Rory, with a shrug of his narrow shoulders. He was too engrossed by his plate of food to see the look of astonished heartbreak on the Doctor’s face his words had elicited. River felt a surge of both alarm and pity. _Keep it together, sweetie_ , she willed.

 

“A Pond,” she said faintly.

 

“Well yeah,” said Rory, still not looking up from his plate. “Marrying River kind of makes you part of family. I’d prefer Williams, but I think I’m the only one...”

 

“The Williams' are geography teachers,” said Amy, as she had done many times before, “Ponds are superheroes.” Privately, River agreed, but disappointing Rory always made her vaguely uncomfortable. “Although Jane Pond...sounds a bit weird.”

 

The Doctor nodded, but River could tell she wasn’t really listening.

 

“A Pond,” she repeated. Amy looked at her strangely and then shifted her glance to River in question.

 

“She’s an orphan,” said River, without any of the sentiment that would usually accompany something like this. The Doctor seemed to snap out of her stupor. “Family is a bit of a sore subject.”

 

“Sorry,” said the Doctor. “I was being weird. Didn’t mean to be. Yaz and Ryan keep telling me I’m socially awkward.”

 

“Two of her students,” River clarified. In a way that wasn't even a lie.

 

Amy smiled. “Think they might be right,” she said.

 

“Maybe,” said the Doctor. She pulled a face and looked at the ceiling. “Or maybe I’m just nervous.”

 

When the Doctor regenerated, they changed. Conceptually, River knew that. All the versions of the Doctor she’d met had been different. The biggest difference she had found with Thirteen (beyond the obvious) was her emotional honesty. It was...a little difficult to deal with, she would admit only if she were exercising her own emotional honesty. It had been such a long time, never really knowing what the Doctor was thinking or feeling. She knew them better than anybody in the universe (with the exception of perhaps the Master...or Missy as she went by now), but there was still that deeper layer of the Doctor’s psyche she had never quite been able to penetrate. This Doctor, however, was open. She still held her cards close to her chest, as River knew she had to, but she was freer in other aspects. River had always known the Doctor cared for her, but she’d never thought it was love. Not the kind of love she wanted at least.  

 

But the way this Doctor looked at her sometimes…

 

“Don’t be nervous,” said Amy. “It’s just dinner.”

 

The Doctor offered a lopsided smile in return and the bells on her antlers jingled as she tipped her head forward in mock agreement. “Right. Just dinner.”

 

“With your new wife’s parents,” Rory added, finally looking up from his now almost empty plate. “Who didn’t know you existed. Nothing to worry about, right?” His smile was sympathetic. River held back her own smile - empathy had always been her father’s greatest strength. Her mood dipped. She was really going to miss him and his strong, steady presence.

 

A foot found her calf under the table and she looked up. The Doctor caught her eye. _Wake up_ , her expression said.

 

“River told me all about you,” said the Doctor. “Amy Pond and Rory the Roman.”

 

“She did, did she?” said Amy at the same time as Rory said, “I’m not a Roman anymore.”

 

Yes, her mother was definitely suspicious.

 

“I had to tell her,” said River. “Not many people are older than their parents. One must accommodate for the inevitable confusion.”

 

“And you didn’t find that weird?” Amy asked the Doctor.

 

The Doctor’s eyes widened with faux innocence. “At first,” she said. “I fixed River’s vortex manipulator though so...time travel-y stuff isn’t super new to me.”

 

“That’s how we met,” River said, latching onto this. “The damn thing is so unreliable.”

 

The Doctor opened her mouth to say something and then immediately closed it. River was almost certain she’d been about to make a comment about ‘cheap and nasty time travel’. It would have been a dead giveaway - they’d all heard the Doctor say it enough times that even Rory would have made the connection.

 

“Yep,” said the Doctor instead. “When people need things fixing they come to me!”

 

“Yes, dear, you’re very smart,” said River. The Doctor beamed at her around a mouthful of mashed up carrots and turnip, not sensing the sarcasm.

 

Amy made a dubious noise and returned to her meal. Apparently question time was over for now. River allowed herself to relax.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

The rest of the meal passed in relative silence. Amy and Rory pulled their Christmas crackers and foil hats now sat atop their heads while the Doctor insisted on being the one to read everyone’s terrible jokes aloud. River allowed herself to bask in the familiar ambience, but couldn't quite shake the lingering feelings of unease and loss. Whenever it threatened to overwhelm her, she would look across the table towards the Doctor. She always earned herself a small smile in return, which wasn’t much, but River still found it fortifying in a way. It was nice that, for a change, she wasn’t alone in suffering from an excess of knowledge.  

 

Once they were all stuffed, Rory stood up and began to gather plates. The Doctor jumped up.

 

“Let me help,” she said. Her cheeks were flushed (probably from the second bottle of wine they’d polished off between them) and her eyes sparkled like the fairy lights draped over the small tree squeezed into the corner of the room. If River’s hearts hadn’t already belonged to the Doctor for the last three-hundred years, she was sure she could have fallen in love all over again.

 

“All right,” said Rory. “Just be-” There was a clatter as the Doctor pushed two plates together with more force than was probably necessary. “-careful.”

 

“Ooops. Sorry,” said the Doctor, not sounding even remotely sorry.

 

They gathered up the plates and River watched as her father and wife left the dining room chattering quietly about dessert. As soon as the kitchen door closed behind them Amy pinned her with a hard stare.

 

“All right, River,” she said.

 

“Yes, mother?”

 

“What the hell is going on?” The serious tone of voice was somewhat lessened by the remnants of gravy on the corner of her mouth that nobody had bothered to tell her about. “Who is this woman?”

 

“My wife,” said River. “I thought I made that clear?” Amy wasn’t fooled.

 

“Yeah, and since when do you marry people you actually like?”

 

River blinked. “Excuse me?”

 

“I’ve seen you marry people for loads of reasons,” said Amy. Her tone made it very clear what she thought of those reasons. “With one _obvious_ exception it’s never been because you’ve had actual feelings for them. What are you playing at with this one? Does she have something you want?”

 

The accusation stung.

 

“Well, she’s very handy to have around when my vortex manipulator is on the fritz,” said River after a moment. Amy pursed her lips. “We can leave if you’d prefer.” She didn’t want to leave; she didn’t want this to be her last memory of her parents.

 

“No,” said Amy. Her expression softened. “I just want to understand. This just seems...different.”

 

There was a pause. “It is different,” River finally admitted. In that moment there was nothing River wanted more than to tell her mother the truth. When she was younger, lying gave her a thrill. It was _fun_ knowing she was always one step ahead; the woman who knew everything. Now, she was just exhausted.

 

“Different how?”

 

“I love her.”

 

To this day it still hurt her to say those words aloud. A weakness. Due to the conditioning she’d grown up under, it had been decades before she could admit to _herself_ that she even felt love. The Doctor’s bespoke psychopath had no need for love; it wasn’t part of her _programming_.

 

Amy didn’t even try to hide her surprise. “You _love_ her? But what about the-”

 

“I can’t put my entire life on hold waiting for the Doctor to show up,” said River. Best to put a stop to that conversation before it could start or who knew what River might accidentally admit. Thankfully, Amy seemed to accept the rejection for what it was.

 

“That’s fair,” said Amy, though River could tell she was affronted on her best friend’s behalf. If only she knew.

 

An awkward silence stretched between them then and River tried to centre her attention on the sounds coming from the kitchen; anything to avoid focussing on the tightness that coiled in her chest. She wished this distance didn’t exist between them, but she knew it always would. Usually she could compartmentalise her own pain very well; there was little point in worrying over things she couldn’t change after all. Today it was more of a challenge. It was harder not to dwell on what was missing when the end was in sight.

 

There was a crash of what sounded like something metallic and River heard Rory curse and the Doctor laugh loudly.

 

“Well there goes the good china,” said Amy. Her voice was just a bit too nonchalant to be believable. Was she worried she'd pushed too hard?

 

“For someone so good with their hands, Jane is...very clumsy,” said River. She caught a smirk on Amy’s face and laughed. “Mother, that was not what I meant. Although now you mention it-”

 

“La-la-la-la-la,” said Amy loudly. She put her fingers in her ears. “Whatever you’re about to say about your sex life, I do not want to know. Rory still hasn’t recovered from the tales of your sexcapades with that automaton. Swappable heads? Honestly, River. It’s like you’re trying to give your dad a heart attack sometimes.”

 

Amy and Rory referred to themselves as her parents so infrequently that it always made River’s whole body feel warm when they did. She knew how difficult it was for them to see her as their daughter, even though she never stopped thinking of them as her mum and dad.  

 

“In my defence he didn’t know I was his daughter when I talked about that,” said River.

 

“No,” Amy agreed. “That one was a slow burning torture. Something for him to remember later on when he was least expecting it.”

 

River hummed in agreement.

 

There was a beat, and River could tell there was something else that Amy wanted to say. She kept her mouth closed, allowing Amy the time to organise her thoughts.

 

“If it helps I think she loves you too.”

 

It was almost instinctive to deny it. Her hearts clenched because _of course_ the Doctor didn’t _love her_ too. It was a foolish notion. The Time Lord Victorious. The Valeyard. The Oncoming Storm. They wouldn’t lower themselves to such base emotions as romantic love, and certainly _not_ for River Song. They had their little song and dance, but she would always be the woman who killed the Doctor. Deep down she knew that.

 

She swallowed it back, dimly noting something a therapist she’d once dated had told her. (“You’re not afraid to love; you’re afraid of being loved.” That had been his parting shot before he’d walked out the door, and River wasn’t sorry to see him leave. Later, she would admit to herself it was because he understood her just a little too well for comfort. At the time she was mostly just pissed off.) Well, one emotional trauma at a time, River decided.

 

“I should think so,” she said. “She did marry me after all.”

 

Unfortunately, Amy Pond was no random stranger happy to buy whatever garbage River was selling. She opened her mouth, and River dreaded whatever she was about to say.

 

Then the kitchen door was thrown open and Rory and the Doctor bustled back into the room with silly grins on their face. Amy shot her one last sympathetic look (that River very much resented) and turned her attention to Rory.

 

“Dishes are all done,” the Doctor announced proudly.

 

“Well,” said Rory, “in a manner of speaking.”

 

“How many did you have to throw away?”

 

“Only a couple,” said the Doctor, as though it were some kind of achievement.

 

“Someone got a bit carried away with washing up liquid,” said Rory, with a pointed look at the woman next to him. “The dishes were...slippery.”

 

“They smell really good now though. Like lemons.”

 

“I’m sure they do, dear,” said River. The Doctor’s eyes found hers and her eyebrows contracted. She crossed the floor and planted herself right at River’s side so they were almost touching. Then, to River’s utter surprised, she draped an arm over her shoulders. Reflexively, River wrapped an arm around the other woman’s waist and pulled gently so she could feel her pressed against her side. River soaked in the quiet support and hoped that Amy hadn’t noticed her shock at the easy display of affection.

 

“Right,” said Rory, having noticed nothing amiss, “time to migrate to the living room? I’m getting a bit sick of sitting on these wooden chairs.” He looked at the Doctor. “We only sit here at Christmas and Easter...or when we have guests and Amy doesn’t want them to know we usually just sit in front of the telly with our dinner.”

 

"Well what's the point in doing it if you're just going to tell them anyway," said Amy. She pushed her chair back away from the table and stood.  


\------------------------------------------------------

 

The living room was cosier than the Doctor remembered it being. Another Christmas tree, thin and tall, stood in the corner bedecked in white twinkling lights and an array of blue and silver baubles (chosen in honour of the TARDIS, the Doctor hoped) and tinsel adorned every empty surface. The fireplace had been lit, spreading a warm glow across the room. She didn't remember particularly appreciating her time here in her past, but now she could see the appeal. It felt homely in a human sort of way.

 

The three Ponds were crammed together on the grey sofa and not wanting to sit on her own, the Doctor had positioned herself on the floor between River's knees. Some show was on the tv ("The Outnumbered Christmas special will do," Amy had announced after getting bored of flicking through the channels), and though Rory and Amy seemed engrossed in it, the Doctor couldn't concentrate.

 

River was upset and she didn't like it.

 

It wasn't exactly a new experience, seeing River upset, but her unparalleled ability to hide her feelings when she wanted to protect her secrets or the people she loved meant it was a rare experience. Gods knew she must have been the cause of River's pain on more occasions than she cared to imagine even if she hadn't noticed at the time.

 

Just once though, she didn't want to be the reason for River's heart breaking. She wanted to help.

 

It was a fool's dream, she knew, because what could possibly ease the pain of knowing you'd never see the people you loved most in the world again? Nobody understood that dull, irrepressible heartache better than the Doctor. The kind of sorrow that ate away at you until all that was left was a hollow sort of grief and the knowledge that things would just never quite be right again. The kind of pain that came with a final goodbye.

 

So the Doctor did the only thing she could think to do, and sat motionless on the hard floor so she was within reach if River needed her. She even tried not to fidget in her much too tight jeans and itchy jumper.

 

Time after that continued to pass _very slowly_.

 

How did humans cope without the ability to skip past all the boring bits?

 

She was mentally reciting every moon in the Andromeda galaxy when the show finally came to an end. River nudged her shoulder with her knee and the Doctor jolted back to reality. Right. The Pond's' house. That's where she was. Amy muted the tv and the Doctor craned her neck backwards to look at the people on the sofa. Rory seemed to be half asleep.

 

"Well," said River, "that certainly was an episode of television." Amy smiled at her.

 

"We'll put on Indiana Jones next time. You'll like that better. More archaeology and tombs in that one," she said. 

 

River let out an annoyed huff of breath. "Please. That hack wouldn't know archaeology if it shot him in the face." The Doctor hid a smile. She remembered very well when they'd bumped into Indiana Jones' character inspiration. River had been justifiably offended by almost everything he'd done and said. "Found some...interesting uses for that whip of his afterwards though. I had to confiscate it, naturally."

 

"I honestly don't know if you're joking or not when you say stuff like that," said Rory.

 

"He knows what he did," was all River said in response.

 

Rory opened his mouth and then shook his head. "Right. So is anyone ready for dessert? We have ice cream and some chocolate cake left. We should have had the full cake but my dad stopped by before and well..."

 

"Nah I'm all right, thanks," said the Doctor. She felt heavy and tired in a way that was entirely foreign (at least for this body it was). "If I eat anymore I don't think I'll be able to get these jeans off."

 

"Oh don't worry about that, dear. I'll help," said River. The Doctor didn't need to see her face to know there was a wicked smirk stretched across it. Amy snorted and the Doctor felt her cheeks heat up.

 

"Do you ever stop?"

 

"Never."

 

"All right," said Rory loudly. He was already on his feet, edging around the coffee table so as not to trip over in the dimmed lights. When had that happened? "I'll just get the ice cream and some spoons shall I?"

 

"Ooh and grab the thing while you're there," said Amy, sitting up a bit straighter now that Rory wasn't there for her to lean against. Rory tilted his head in confusion. "You know. The _thing_." She unsubtly glanced at River and Rory gave a short nod and left the room.

 

"Ooh you have a thing, mother? How exciting," said River. "Should I be worried?"

 

Amy rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid."

 

"Am I ever?"

 

"No," said the Doctor. She rolled her shoulders and stretched her back. _Got to get off this floor_ , she thought. "It's really annoying actually."

 

"Thank you, sweetie," said River.

 

Neither of them noticed the way Amy's eyebrows contracted in suspicion.

 

The Doctor patted River's knee (all this touching still felt really weird to her; though her last body had made an exception for River, he had never really felt comfortable with physical contact of any kind) and then pushed herself to her feet. Her spine clicked in a number of places and she groaned. She'd been hoping regenerating into a younger body would have rendered her immune to that sort of thing - apparently not.

 

She perched on the arm of the sofa and River's hand came to rest high on her thigh, because of course it did.

 

For one, wistful moment the Doctor wondered what it would have been like to live a normal life with River. They could have shared thousands of moments like this, instead of having to steal them on those special, all too few and far between days when the stars aligned and so did their timeline. There had been Darillium and those twenty-four years had been beautiful, but even those years of wedded bliss had been tinged with sadness and loss. They both knew their time together was coming to an end, and she'd never coped well with endings.

 

"You all right there?" asked Amy. The hand on her thigh squeezed.

 

"What?" The Doctor looked up and brushed some blond hair away that had fallen in front of her face. "Oh. Yeah. I'm fine. Just drifted off there for a second. Sorry. I do that sometimes."

 

Before Amy could respond, Rory was back in the room with a stack of bowls resting precariously atop a tub of strawberry ice cream. "I brought four spoons," he said, looking at the Doctor. "Just in case you change your mind."

 

"Thanks," she said. God she missed the Ponds. Sweet, thoughtful Rory. She took a spoon from him and held it loosely in her hand. _Love a good spoon_ , she thought, _I'm so keeping this_.

 

"And this, Melody Pond," Rory continued, "is for you."

 

He put the tub of ice cream on the table and then withdrew something from his pocket. With a nod from Amy, he threw it to River, who caught it with her free hand.

 

"What's this?" she asked, turning what looked like small, colourful box.

 

"It's a Christmas present. _Duh_ ," said Amy. Her words were tempered by the gentle smile on her face.

 

It wasn't often that the Doctor saw River surprised, but here it was. Her eyes widened and her fingers clenched around the box, which the Doctor now noticed was decorated with holly print wrapping paper. "Christmas present? We've never done that before." 

 

"Thought we might start a new tradition," said Rory with a shrug of his shoulders. Fingers dug in painfully to the Doctor's thigh and her own hearts juddered in her chest. _Tradition_. He looked at River expectantly.

 

"You don't have to look so shocked, you know," said Amy. The smile on her face was strained and the Doctor was sure River would have noticed. They were trying though, and that was what mattered. "That's what parents do, right? Buy their kid Christmas presents."

 

"I'm not exactly a kid, mother." If her voice wavered, everyone was too polite to comment on it.  

 

Amy clicked her tongue against her teeth. "Just open the bloody thing, will you? It took us weeks to find something we thought you might like. You're really hard to buy for, you know, so we ended up-" She stopped. "Just open it."  

 

River nodded once. She turned over the box in her hand and with trembling fingers began to pry away the wonky tape holding the paper in place. The wrapping paper was then discarded to reveal a red velvet box. River paused only briefly before flipping open the lid and peering inside. The Doctor tilted her head to better see herself.

 

"Oooh pretty," said the Doctor.

 

Inside, was an ornate gold locket adorned with embossed thistle leaves. Bigger than the average piece of jewellery and a bit dented above it's tiny hinge, it was attached to a thick gold chain. It was...beautiful and unlike anything the Doctor had ever seen.

 

"Open it," Rory encouraged. He wrung his hands nervously.

 

River did as she was told and slid her nail between the two halves. Her breath hitched and her whole body stiffened. "Oh," she breathed. Inside was two pictures. One of a younger Amy Pond, clad all in white, cradling who the Doctor could only assume was a baby Melody Pond. The other half of the locket showed a picture of Rory smiling awkwardly at the camera.

 

"It was my grandmother's," said Amy, breaking the fragile tension that held between them. River lifted her head and the Doctor's hearts skipped a beat at the moisture she could see building in her eyes. "She gave it to me the year before she died."

 

"I remember," said River softly.

 

A beat. "Right. Mels." She shook her head as though to dispel the memory. "Anyway, we thought you should have a piece of Pond family history just so you don't forget us when you're off being a...wibbly wobbly, timey wimey superhero."

 

River blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek. Amy and Rory shared a look of alarm and the Doctor wrapped an arm around the woman's shoulders.

 

Amy's shoulders slumped. "You hate it." She slapped Rory on the arm and he yelped in surprise. "I told you she'd hate it! You made our daughter cry."

 

River let out a tearful little laugh that the Doctor only just heard over Rory's protestations. "No, no. I love it," she said. "It's absolutely perfect."

 

"But-"

 

"I love it," River repeated more firmly. "I'm just surprised is all. Thank you." She passed the box to the Doctor and then gathered her hair up and away from the back of her neck. "Put it on me will you, dear?"

 

The ice cream lay forgotten and melting on the table.

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

Time was growing short.

 

They'd played three ridiculous games of charades, which to the surprise of nobody the Doctor had been terrible at ( _I'm not from this time period,_ she'd argued when Rory had wondered aloud how she'd never seen the Hunger Games), watched some more mindless television curled up together on the sofa and then pretended they hadn't all cried at the end of Lilo and Stitch. It was the Christmas night she'd dreamed of as a child while peering out the window of the sterile facility she called home watching other children her age play in the snow. She'd been taught about Christmas, but it had been born of necessity rather than a desire on the part of her carers to bond with the child; any effective assassin knew the key to blending in was understanding local customs.

 

Of course, even from a young age it had been beyond River to be ordinary. Blending in had never really been her style.

 

Amy yawned, eyes beginning to droop as she rested her head against Rory's shoulder. River watched them from the corner of her eye, etching the sight into her memory. Then, she swallowed.

 

"Time to go, I should think," she said.

 

Amy's eyes shot open. "You can stay over if you like? We can make up the guest room."

 

"Thank you for the offer, mother," said River. "We really should be getting back though."

 

If she stayed any longer then she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to leave. Surrounded by the three people she loved most in the universe by the warm glow of an open fire...there was only so long she could resist that pull to just stay forever.

 

"Maybe next year then?" said Amy, lips turned upwards in a hopeful little smile. River's hearts just about shattered.

 

"That sounds lovely." The locket felt warm and heavy against her chest.

 

The Doctor pushed herself to her feet.

 

"Thanks for dinner," she said, with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I've had a really nice evening." She held out a hand and pulled River up from the sofa. _Deceptively strong_ , River noted with interest. 

 

"You can come back any time," said Rory. He lifted a hand to cover a yawn. "Maybe bring a different game next time though that you actually stand a chance of winning."

 

"Yeah that was a bit embarrassing for you," said Amy. They all chuckled then at the look of indignation on the Doctor's face.

 

"Yeah well..."

 

"Don't hurt yourself, sweetie," said River, when the Doctor didn't seem able to muster up an adequate comeback. Her wife huffed and folded her arms.

 

Behind them, Amy and Rory exchanged a look, eyebrows raised.

 

"You two are not nearly as subtle as you think you are, you know?" said Amy.

 

River's mouth went dry and beside her, the Doctor stood up a little straighter. "I don't know what you're talking about, mother."

 

For an uncomfortable moment it looked as though Amy was about to argue, but instead she let out a sigh and shook her head. "Whatever. I'll walk you to the door."

 

Then, for the last time, River walked through her parent's home. She trailed her fingers along the wall and soaked in the rather old fashioned wallpaper, specifically noting the sharp hollow above the skirting board from when Amy had been trying to change a light bulb and had lost her balance sending both her and the ladder crashing down. She smiled at the memory and breathed in deeply through her nose.

 

They reached the bottom of the stairs and in the narrow hallway the Doctor helped her into her coat, cool fingers brushing her wrist as she did so. It had stopped snowing, but the wind outside rattled past the windows.

 

There was an awkward silence then, as River turned her attention back to the Ponds. Her whole body felt so tightly wound that she felt as if she could snap at any moment.

 

"Right, well I suppose we should be off," she said. "Thank you for a lovely evening." She buttoned up her coat over the locket dangling from her neck. 

 

"Anytime," said Amy. She grinned. "See you around, River." 

 

"Yeah, uh, I'm sure we'll bump into you at some point," said Rory. He scratched the back of his neck.

 

"Oh you definitely will," said River with a smirk.

 

"Bye then," said the Doctor. She held up a hand in something akin to a wave. "It was nice to meet you, Amy Pond. Rory Pond."

 

Amy and Rory exchanged another look and then Amy rolled her eyes. "To meet us. Sure, _Jane_. Nice to meet you too."

 

"Dunno what you're on about," said the Doctor with a dopey smile. She thrust her hands into her back pockets and rocked on the balls of her feet.

 

Amy pressed her lips together. "All right. Well, do us a favour and look after our daughter, okay?"

 

"Mother..."

 

"I'll do my best," the Doctor lied, in a way that was almost convincing. "She doesn't really need it though."

 

"No, but still. We worry," said Amy.

 

"That's really not nec-"

 

"Just let us have this, River," said Rory. He laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. She had to physically stop herself from leaning into the touch.

 

She sighed. "All right." What she wouldn't have given to have parents like the Ponds when she'd been growing up.

 

"Be good," said Amy, with a wry grin. "And if you can't be good, be careful."

 

River laughed. "Where's the fun in that?"

 

They reached the front door and River took in a deep shuddering breath.

 

"See you later, River."

 

"See you soon, dad. Goodnight, mother."

 

With that, River song left the home of her parents one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got away from me a bit so I think I'm going to add an epilogue. Don't really wanna leave it on such a sad note! Especially off the back of this awful 2020 S12 news. Ain't nobody got time for that. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and a special thanks to everyone who has left a kudos or commented so far :-)


	3. Chapter 3

The walk back to the TARDIS passed in complete silence. River didn't even attempt to stop the flow of tears that froze on her wind-whipped cheeks and clutched the Doctor's hand as though it was her only lifeline. With her head bowed as it was, she couldn't even tell where they were going. It was a good job she was with the only person in the universe she trusted enough to guide her back home.

 

Since it had stopped snowing, the white wonderland they'd walked through to reach the Ponds' had already started to melt into a dirty looking slush that was soaking into her boots. If she'd been in the right frame of mind to complain, she'd have been expressing her deep regret at parking the TARDIS so far away. As it was, she could think of nothing beyond the gaping void within her that seemed to yawn wider with every step further from the home of her parents.

 

It almost came to a surprise to her when the TARDIS came into view.

 

The Doctor said something to her, but her voice was carried away on the wind. River could just about make out the note of relief in her tone.

 

The door opened before they even reached it and the Doctor ushered her inside and closed the world outside behind them with a quiet snap. Then all that could be heard was the comforting drone of the TARDIS engines and the Doctor breathing beside her.

 

Instinctively, River moved towards the console and pulled the lever to release the breaks. The layout was a bit different than she was used to, but she could feel the TARDIS herself in the back of her mind nudging her where she needed to go. She spun the hourglass and reached out for the navigation port, when two hands caught her own.

 

"River. Stop."

 

River sucked in a breath and forced herself to look up.

 

"Where do you want to go? I can get us there," said the Doctor. The look on her soft, round face was filled with such quiet understanding that it made River want to cry.

 

She swallowed hard and tried to relax her shoulders. "Anywhere."

 

The Doctor nodded. "My fave place."

 

And then she was off; darting around the TARDIS controls with the kind of energy River couldn't even begin to conjure up at that moment. She couldn't quite muster a grin, but she did notice with some satisfaction that the Doctor decided to use the stabilisers for the journey. She felt the tickle somewhere in the back of her brain as the TARDIS dematerialised, as she always did when she travelled through time, and allowed herself a moment to enjoy the familiarity.

 

Then it stopped, and the Doctor was back by her side. Waiting.

 

"It's very hard to take you seriously with those antlers still on your head," River said finally, if only for something ( _anything_ ) to say. The Doctor pulled them off and threw them behind her. The bounced with a muted jingle and landed somewhere behind a glowing, crystal pillar. "Better."

 

"I don't really know what to do."

 

"Well that's a first." 

 

The Doctor pulled a face. "I mean...I don't know what you need to feel better."

 

"I appreciate the fact that you want to." And she did, because often that wasn't the case. "I don't think there's any fixing this one though, sweetie."

 

"I know." The Doctor offered her a sympathetic smile.

 

"Yes, I suppose you do."  

 

The Doctor didn't seem to have any response to that and River sighed and closed her eyes. She'd known this was going to be difficult, but she hadn't fully anticipated the complete exhaustion that followed. She felt drained, both physically and emotionally. And above all that she felt sad. And alone.

 

"All right. First things first then - let's get you into something more comfortable," said the Doctor.

 

River opened her eyes and allowed a humourless smile to tug at the corner of her mouth. "Oh, sweetie. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not really in the mood right now."

 

The Doctor didn't even dignify that with a response. "Me too because I'm super uncomfortable right now. I really don't think I like these jeans, River. I can barely lift my knees up. I bet they're _terrible_ for running." 

 

"Perhaps," River agreed. "There are other perks though." She allowed her eyes to slowly rove the Doctor's legs.

 

"Oi," said the Doctor. "My eyes are up here." River grinned as she looked back up at the Doctor's face. "Come on, you." She held out a hand, which River took. "Let's get you out of those clothes."

 

"You're doing it on purpose now," River muttered, but allowed the Doctor to pull her away from the console room to who knew where. She did want to get out of this bulky coat after all.

 

The Doctor led her through the TARDIS, who was being remarkably cooperative for a change, to the wardrobe room and tossed River a pair of pyjamas. They were a sort of soft green flannel and were entirely not the kind of thing River would usually choose to wear for bed (which as a general rule was nothing), but they fit well enough and by the time she'd stripped and put them on, the Doctor had donned matching blue ones.

 

"I've stopped asking where things come from," said the Doctor at River's raised eyebrow. The TARDIS hummed around them. "There are socks too!" She threw River a ball of something white and fluffy and River put them on. Once again, not really her thing, but she had no intention of traipsing through the TARDIS barefoot. She was only just beginning to register how cold she was and her toes tingled painfully from it.

 

It occurred to her then as she allowed the Doctor to shepherd her from the room that in any other circumstance she'd never have allowed herself to be corralled like this. Not even by her Doctor. Now though she just couldn't muster up the will to assert herself. A part of her resented it, but another part of her was grateful that her wife was willing to take care of her. Just this once she didn't want to have to think for herself. She mentally congratulated herself for picking the right Doctor to keep with her tonight; she doubted her first Doctor would have been quite so...sensitive, if that was the right word.

 

Their next stop was the kitchen, where the Doctor flitted around and opened a variety of cupboards and drawers with a wide-eyed expression. Eventually, River heard a triumphant, "Ah ha!" and then a dull thud as the Doctor smacked her head on the inside of the fridge. "Ouch. I mean...not ouch. It always does that. Completely intentional. Nothing to worry about!"

 

River rolled her eyes and folded her arms as the Doctor straightened up with a bottle of Baileys in her hand and two lowball glasses. She grinned. "This is Graham's, but I'm sure he won't mind if we steal a bit."

 

Based on how far into the kitchen it had been hidden, River had a feeling that Graham certainly _would_ mind.

 

"More alcohol? This new body of yours seems to have a very high tolerance for it considering how small you are now," said River.

 

The Doctor shot her an injured look from underneath some scruffy blond hair that had fallen in front of her face in her exuberant search. "I'm not _small_. I mean...these legs definitely used to be longer, but _small_?"

 

"You're lucky Graham didn't put that Baileys on the top shelf," said River. The Doctor pursed her lips and River felt a dull spark of amusement.

 

"You're not exactly a giant either, you know," said the Doctor. She handed River the glasses and bottle. "Get us some ice and meet me back in the console room?" River's chest clenched with a strange sort of panic; she didn't want to be left alone. Maybe it showed on her face because the Doctor added in a softer voice, "I'll only be a minute. Promise. Just need to grab a few things."

 

Then she was bounding off and out the door.

 

 _And this is the woman half the universe is terrified of_ , River thought. If only they could see her now, flapping around in slightly too big pyjamas, desperately searching for a way to make her wife feel better. _Baffling_.

 

\------------------------------------------

 

River felt strangely vulnerable walking through the TARDIS in just pyjamas and fluffy socks in a way she was sure she wouldn't if she was wearing nothing at all. She hoped the TARDIS wasn't parked in Sheffield, because as much as she understood her wife's need for constant companionship, she wasn't feeling up to company tonight.

 

Thankfully, when she arrived back in the console room it was empty save for the Doctor, who had beaten her there somehow. In the glimmering orange light of the room, she took a moment to observe her wife bent down and fiddling around with something near the doors.

 

"What are you up to over there, love?" she asked. The Doctor jumped and River rolled her eyes. For goodness sake.

 

"Just trying to make the floor comfortable," she said. She turned around and River noticed for the first time the large heap of colourful fleece blankets and pillows she had squeezed together between her arms. The Doctor frowned. "'s'harder than you'd think though. Might go for a spongier floor next time we redecorate." Around them the TARDIS whirred loudly in protest. "Or not. All right! You don't need to yell at me."

 

The Doctor unceremoniously dropped everything then and pushed the pillows closer to the door with her foot. "We'll just work it out as we go along."

 

Bemused, River crossed the room. "You know we have a perfectly serviceable bed that would work just as well if all you wanted to do was lounge around and drink."

 

"Nah," said the Doctor. "Don't get views like this from bed." She pulled open the doors and River's breath caught in her throat.

 

Three-hundred or so years old and she still never tired of the sights the universe had to offer.

 

Bathed in purple and pale blue glowing dust clouds, millions of blazing stars hung in the expanse around them. Thousands of miles away River could see shining red rocks clustering together in a way she could only assume would one day form a planet and beyond that shards of ice or maybe even crystal were beginning to circle the nearest sun.

 

"It's beautiful," she breathed.

 

She blinked and barely even noticed the stray tear that rolled down her cheek. She swallowed against her suddenly dry throat and turned her head to see the Doctor staring back at her with a gentle smile on her face. The stars around them burned so brightly she could almost see their reflection in her eyes.

 

"Where are we?"

 

"Somewhere in the middle of the Kasterborous constellation." The Doctor paused. "Or at least what will be Kasterborous in a hundred-thousand years...ish. Don't usually go this far back. Not supposed to really, to be honest. Bit dangerous."

 

"You brought me to Gallifrey." River let out a short laugh. Of all the places...

 

The Doctor gestured somewhere to the right of them. "It'll be over there somewhere. Time vortex is a bit...iffy at the moment though so best we stay out of the way. Don't want to accidentally erase ourselves from time."

 

"The universe would miss me terribly were I to vanish," River agreed. The Doctor's smile faded and she looked away. "Right then. Best make ourselves comfortable, shall we?"

 

Between them they managed to arrange the blankets into a sort of nest. They sat down side by side and close enough to be touching with their legs dangling outside the TARDIS. The Doctor poured them both a measure of their snaffled Baileys and handed a glass to River.

 

"Thank you for bringing me here, dear," said River after a moment. It really was very nice. The Doctor said nothing, but instead took River's free hand in her own and squeezed. "What should we drink to?"

 

"The Ponds of course," said the Doctor immediately. The heavy pit in River's stomach shifted - surrounded by so much beauty she could almost forget why they were here in the first place. "All three of you."

 

"All four of us."

 

The Doctor shook her head in protest, but River could see the muffled look of longing she couldn't quite hide behind those brand new, ancient eyes of hers.

 

"All four of us," River repeated, more firmly this time. "You heard dad."

 

At the Doctor's pained expression she almost decided to let the matter drop, but no.

 

"That wounded puppy dog look of yours really is quite something this time around, but it won't convince me otherwise. You're a Pond. Or a Song, if you like," she said. Then, unable to resist, River leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Now carry on, dearest. You were making a toast."

 

"You were the one who-"

 

" _Doctor_."

 

"Right." The Doctor paused thoughtfully, finger tracing around the rim of her glass. "To the Ponds then. Amy Pond, Rory Pond, Melody Pond..." At River's look she added, "...and their imaginary friend. Not any star in any galaxy shines as brightly."

 

River exhaled, feeling some of the tension leave her shoulders as she did so, and clinked their glasses together. The liquid was cool and sweet and she savoured the light sting on the back of her tongue. From the corner of her eye she could see the Doctor staring out into the span of developing stars and planets with a look of pure wonder on her face. Some things never changed.

 

"Thank you for coming with me today. I know it was hard for you."

 

"I'm always here, River," said the Doctor. Her voice was so quiet it almost blended with the constant humming of the TARDIS engines. "Whenever and wherever you need me to be."

 

 _If only that were true_ , River thought with a sardonic smile. For now, though, it was enough.

 

"Merry Christmas, sweetie."

 

"Merry Christmas, River."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! For real this time. I just wanna thank everyone who has read this far. This is the longest thing I've written in a really long time so it's felt like a bit of a saga to me. I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Posting a bit early for this, but as I'll be busy for the next few days I'm gonna say it now - Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it, and to everyone that doesn't, Happy Wintermas.
> 
> tumblr: @change-approved


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